Anxieties

I’m excited about getting into Chicago, but I’m not quite used to this level of elation over my own accomplishments. The last time I can remember having achieved something like this is when I was on the winning intersociety debate team for Demosthenian, almost three years ago. My friends tell me I’m crazy for even thinking about any other place (other than Oxford, perhaps), now that I’ve clinched Chicago. Yes, I suppose that if I’m willing to go, there will be some way to pay for it.

But part of my hesitance is that I just am not used to having this level of success. My perfectionism always builds up this huge, grandiose ideal of achievement. When this standard of achievement is actually fulfilled, it comes with an aura of unreality. The aim of perfectionism is, by definition, beyond one’s abilities; it’s the desire to be other than what one truly is. It feels weird to be me right now, because the person I envisioned getting into Chicago wasn’t me.

Of course, getting in is only part of the success. I could still go and flunk out.

P.S. The Chicago letter came yesterday, which was my half-birthday. Not bad!

Grad school update

Accepted: University of Chicago, humanities master’s; Temple University, philosophy master’s

Chicago was definitely one of my top choices, so I’m pretty thrilled to get that letter from them today. So many of the scholars I want to work with are there, the program is excellent for the literature-philosophy hybrid studies I’d like to pursue, and it’s the only school I’ve applied to that offers Norwegian. Sam wants me to go because of the relative proximity to her family in Michigan, so she can visit me for Thanksgiving; I’d also be pretty close to Amish and Jennifer in Iowa City. Temple was my fall-back school, so while it’s nice to get a letter from them, it’s pretty much out of the running.

Rejected: Oxford, philosophy master’s; U. of Michigan, English PhD

Oxford’s philosophy program isn’t too big a disappointment. I originally wanted to apply after looking at their mammoth faculty list and drooling over their world-renowned scholars, but I think I knew that my writing samples probably weren’t going to be up to their caliber. Philosophical writing doesn’t come to me as easily as writing about literature; I think my chances are better for Oxford’s English program, from which I have yet to hear. I began my application for Michigan in earnest, but realized when I was finished that they probably weren’t going to have what I was looking for. I’m more looking forward to a master’s degree than a PhD at this point, and in a more interdisciplinary program than Michigan would have offered.

Waiting to hear from: Oxford, English master’s; Harvard, English PhD; SUNY Buffalo, philosophy master’s

I’ve also applied for the Oxford one-year master’s in 20th century English lit; even though it’s not at all interdisciplinary, I’d still be very happy to get an acceptance letter from them. It’s a short program, which means I’ll be able to go on to something different if I so wish when the year is finished. I love Oxford, having lived there once and having gone back to see Sam there last fall. I also love the aura that goes with being able to say, “I graduated from (blank) College, Oxford.” So sue me! I don’t think my chances are great for Harvard, but, again, I won’t be too disappointed, for pretty much the same reasons as Michigan. Finally, I have by no means ruled out SUNY Buffalo, even with an acceptance to Chicago. Their master’s in philosophy gives you the option of concentrating in aesthetics, which means you can take courses from the English and comp. lit. departments, both of which are pretty good at Buffalo. My ultimate decision will have to take into account financial aid and other dismal matters I’m too excited to think about at the moment.